La Abeja

The year is winding down, and I am grateful. Love, loss, immense joy, tear your heart open beauty…2012 did not disappoint!

I often think of my friend, the bee lady, who passed eight years ago, and who is still a central symbol in my life – a muse – for love, kindness, support, optimism and joy. I think of her whenever I see anything bee related.

Bees symbolize pursuing your dreams, no matter how impossible they seem and enjoying the sweetness of life (honey) after hard work. Certain cultures saw bees as both symbolic of the soul and messengers of the gods (and between worlds). The ancient Egyptians placed jars of honey in their burial tombs for sweetness in the afterlife.

I for one want to create, share and enjoy as much sweetness as possible in this life.

Yesterday on Christmas, when all was closed and the streets of Los Angeles were blissfully empty, I made my way through a new neighborhood to a new friend’s house for tea – she’s also a bee lover. I almost missed it, but there was La Abeja on a nondescript city street on the way to my destination.

There are sweet messages – and messengers – everywhere, you just have to be open to receive them. For me, yesterday, La Abeja was there to remind me of that: to keep moving forward, to keep creating and pursing that which makes my heart sing, in my own quiet, personal way. “Messages” don’t have to hit you over the head, they can be(e) simple, gentle reminders that you are held in love, headed in the right direction and to keep moving forward because there’s a new flower and sweetness just around the corner….

Signs

L.A. is a funny place when our major freeway and major streets are shut down simultaneously. Things can get a little nutty. And so it was yesterday. With the 405 closed for major construction and numerous surface streets closed for the triathlon, what’s an Angeleno to do?

Yup, take to the streets.

I walked everywhere yesterday…even in the 90-degree weather. I walked to coffee. I walked to the store. I walked to the gym. I walked to the museum. I walked to a garden. I walked to yet another store. You get the idea.

I didn’t meet up with anyone yesterday, so it was a day of solitude: just me, the streets, my feet and my (thankfully) mostly peaceful thoughts. And I sort of understood, for the first time in my life, what all those monks and mediation teachers mean when speaking about the benefits of ‘walking meditation.’ (I must admit, in the past I thought – how boring!)

In all-day walking, there is no rushing, you have to pace yourself. It’s going to take however long it takes. Period. There are no shortcuts or detours, because, obviously, you can only walk as fast as you walk. It is what it is.

If it takes you 40 minutes to walk to the store, then it’s going to take 40 minutes. There’s no way around it. That’s how long it takes. You’re at your own pace – just you and your strides – you have to have full acceptance of this, because you can’t blame traffic or some a-hole cutting you off for how long or short it takes you to arrive at your destination. It’s all about you – which may seem confronting, but it’s actually an exciting relief, if you think about it – not being dependant on anyone but yourself to get you to where you need to go. Whew!

Also, the motion of putting one foot in front of another – all day long – shows you that you really can’t cut steps out of life. In the car (and in life), we look for shortcuts and distractions. A quicker route, a lane with less traffic. You can’t do this on foot. There are no shortcuts. It’s just walking – so basic – but such a reminder that we are only ever going to get anywhere by putting one foot, one step, in front of the other. Love it or hate it, it’s the only way things are going to get done.

And in that moment, I was reminded that realizations will come when they come, and that the point of life (once again) is to stay OPEN, even when (especially when) you have no clue what is going on, or how, perhaps, you got off track. Stay open. It will become clear.

In that moment I looked up to the sky, and saw the word LOVE in bold letters (see photo above). Perfect. Then I thought, “that could never happen twice.” At which point (see photo below) the word was written in the sky a second time, just to drive the point home.

There is the divine in the most mundane. Spirit is only ever inside of us. Beautiful ‘exterior’ reminders supporting us along the way. Happy travels.

Arturo

For some of us, we are not content to simply be content.

We are in a near constant state of having to know, pushing further, needing to understand and touching some place beyond the physical world. We regularly question why we are here, if we are fulfilling our ‘purpose,’ and if we are making a ‘difference’ on the grand scale in which we perceive true Life exists.

But the reality is that too much ‘seeking’ can be a slippery slope.

Because living with this constant questioning can be both a blessing (because it expands you well beyond your limits) and a curse (because answers only come in bits and pieces, and I don’t think we are actually meant to fully understand it all until it’s all over – darn).

Enter Arturo…

I was at very busy outdoor shopping center here in Los Angeles this morning. People get a little nuts here in L.A. when it comes to Monday morning and parking lots and getting coffee. This parking area is small to begin with and to boot, half the lot was closed off for re-paving. It was a shit storm waiting to happen.

And then there was Arturo.

Dressed in crisp khakis and a pressed white button-down dress shirt, he was poised and ready to handle the near chaotic parking situation with grace, ease and a smile. I watched his compact form move through every potential parking catastrophe with efficiency and confidence. He got me and my SUV into a narrow space – no problem. He got the lost tour bus through – no problem. He even got the slow as molasses old lady in the oversized white Cadillac into her space – no problem.

And when I arrived back at my car an hour later, he helped me reverse with a few clear and directed flicks of his wrist – like a conductor at the L.A. Phil, but with no fame, notoriety or applause. He even told me to go out a different exit – it would be faster for me. I said thank you with a smile, and he politely smiled back and gave me a thumbs up and a wave.

Something came over me with this experience.

Arturo is making people’s lives easier, better and more peaceful. Even for just 30 seconds, but he’s still doing it. And, I could be totally wrong, but I don’t think he’s standing there contemplating his ‘role in the cosmos.’ He’s just taking care of business one car at a time. He’s making a difference. Maybe he’s not ‘curing cancer’ as they say, but he is making people’s live better, smoother and less stressed out. I think that has immense value, whether you work at some fancy job, or ‘just’ as a parking lot attendant.

Yes, sometimes us ‘seekers’ seek too big. We forget that Life happens here on earth, in small manageable bits, in ways we can understand. It happens at the Farmers’ Market at Third and Fairfax on a Monday morning in a crazy parking lot, with a kind and confident ‘guide’ such as Arturo who will likely never know I wrote about him, and who I will likely never see again.

But Arturo made an impression on me and reminded me that in my pursuit of ‘the big picture’ I forget that sometimes what we need more than anything else – in a particular moment – is a smile, a thumbs up and kind stranger keeping things calm in an otherwise crazy L.A. parking lot. We just need a moment of grace and kindness in our day.

Thanks Arturo.

Temple

It looks profane
Though it’s sacred.

A temple
That houses chipped cups, mismatched saucers,
And threadbare pillows I just can’t
Toss out.

Unsung relics
Devoted to
Raising a family and
Comforting lost friends.

A higher form of service
Is not known to me.

{poem/photo: Jill Lurie}

Expansion

 

Yesterday I wrote about liberation.

Today this idea of expansion keeps floating around in my awareness, in my being.  Specifically the (first-hand) understanding that with any part of your life that expands – internal or external – there needs to be some way to accommodate the new space, even if (especially if) you initially choose to fill it with nothing.

The sweet, beautiful, nowhere-to-be void.

We are so used to seeing an open space and immediately feeling the need to fill it with something.  The empty wall needs a painting, the extra hour in the evening needs to be filled with watching TV, the tax return needs to be spent before you’ve even received the check.

What about when your soul expands?  This can be sparked by any number of experiences – a death, a birth, offering or receiving unconditional love, union with the divine. It’s infinite, limitless, and of course so personal.

When you are cracked open, and you experience yourself (in your own quiet, anonymous way) as bigger than you can imagine, this can be really scary.  Because all of the walls you thought were real are now just an illusion.  And it’s up to you what to do with it.

This is when the temptation comes in to fill yourself with something, anything to avoid the void.  You want others to fill it for you.  You start to back track.  You’ll do anything for a distraction.  It’s very confronting and you wonder if you’ve done the right thing in the first place.  Maybe it was better (ie more comfortable) just to be as you were, to stay a caterpillar.  Perhaps being a butterfly is not all it’s cracked up to be, it’s too much work to use those wings, to get high, then learn to land – easier to just stay on the ground.

But like anything that expands, there simply needs to be the awareness that a new set of ‘requirements’ is needed.  If, for example, you expand your garden, you may simply initially choose to keep the land bare.  That’s ok for a while.  Enjoy the new space, the new freedom.  But the land wants to be planted just as much as the gardener wants to plant.  That’s the point, yes?  It’s reciprocal, an energy exchange, as with everything in life.

But planting takes some planning, some awareness.  If you plant a new field on the farm, you have to consider irrigation.  More water will be needed.  With this expansion, what worked last week, last month or last year is no longer pertinent.  It’s not enough – it needs to grow to match your growth.  So you need to plan for how you will access the extra water, and it’s not about getting the water from somewhere or someone else (sorry, but it’s true).

Same with the seeds – just because you have the land, you can’t get lazy about where to find what will one day be your harvest.  Because even if someone or something has helped you expand your field, you still need to cultivate, plant, care for and pick what you’ve worked for.  I believe that is why each of us is here – to sow our own seeds, stick around through all the ups and downs as they grow, then reap the harvest (of course sharing along the way).

 All of these things are already inside of you – the water, the seeds, even the land.  We just forget.

 It’s the expansion that helps you remember.

Liberation

When you stop and really consider that you are one person out of seven billion others on a planet that itself is over four billion years old, it kind of puts your life into perspective.

We are truly here for the blink of an eye.

But we spend so much time worrying, analyzing, sitting in suffering debating over what to do…or not to do. We make a big deal out of things. We forget that our lives are simultaneously an enormous miracle – a gift from God – and a tiny grain of sand in an ecosystem that has been, and will continue to be here for longer than we can imagine (long after humans are extinct).

This awareness does not scare me. Rather, it liberates me. It frees me to realize that what I do here for a few quick decades does not make much of a difference.

Let me qualify: YES one person can make a huge difference. There are endless examples of this. But the tiny details that we agonize over, in the long run, really don’t matter.

If we manage to somehow embrace and know our truest selves, share that with others, add a little more light to things, and (mostly) enjoy ourselves along the way, then we’ve had a good life; we’ve done our part.

I also realize that the ‘weather’ patterns of life come and go. Some days there are storms and some days I find myself sitting in a warm field of flowers humming with bees. I don’t know why it changes, but it just does. If it’s in nature, it makes sense that it’s inside my heart, too.

We are nature…we just forget.

I’m extremely grateful that I find myself finally able to not be overcome by the weather patterns. Rather, I just know that they are there, always shifting, and that underneath them, the real me is always okay.

There is immense faith and trust in that. Trusting that if there is rain, rain must be needed. If there is a day of sun, that’s what’s needed, too. Realizing that the rotations will never stop, but if we are smart enough to put on a coat when it storms, and bring out a blanket to lay on the land when it’s warm, there is much enjoyment, magic and wonder to be had along the way.

Fear of Being Naked

Funny how we cover things up.

Our bodies are the least of it. Clothes are the thinnest layer.

The thickest layers are the massive barriers we’ve erected between who we really are and what we allow ourselves – or others – to really see, experience or embody. We make this a full-time job.

The way a naked breast (at least in this country) evokes a sense of glimpsing something forbidden, exposing – and sharing – an open heart is damn near pornography.

Being true, simple, just yourself without labels or judgment can feel naked, exposed, uncomfortable. Some may even perceive it as confrontational, rebellious, aloof. Who are you to be uncensored, truthful, simple when I have to spend so much time and energy creating this persona?

Why is accepting – and just being – who we are such a big deal? Why do we go to such great lengths to cover our truth through status, material things and the way we want others to perceive us? As scary as being naked in the middle of a crowd sounds, being truly exposed – pure – in our soul, at least initially, seems like the scariest thing of all.

As I travel further into this space of “here and now,” I can really see and appreciate the simple beauty of just being. There are no ‘stories’ in the here and now, everything just ‘is.’ The dishes in the sink are simply kiln fired clay that held last night’s dinner. There is no poor-me story about the ‘endless housework.’ The whiny child is simply caught up in his own emotion. There is no story about how the job of motherhood is overwhelming. And the light and beauty I know, feel and experience inside myself just is. It’s not something overly special nor is it something to be toned down. It’s just me.

Here and now is not cumulative nor is it anticipatory. It just is. And I am beginning to flow into this space of presence which feels inviting, lovely. Like a warm embrace. The purest kind: one soul to another, me to me.

Nowhere is this more evident than in nature. Nature is the definition of ‘what is.’ The mist is simply hovering around the mountain at seven in the morning, the horses are eating grass, the sage is offering food to the hummingbirds. There are no stories, no barriers. It just is…and it’s really, really beautiful.

Here & Now (kind of) Sucks Ass

Oh Life, you and your sneaky ways. I’m glad I give you so much to laugh about in our endless dialog.

Me: “I’ve worked so hard. I’m never not working. I’m almost there, just a few more turns up the mountain before I reach the top and have You all figured out.”
You: unable to speak through howling laughter

One of the things about breaking down walls, old habits, old beliefs, old identities and old stories is that you have to be prepared to sit with what’s on the other side.

And what exactly would that be?

Big. Fat. Nothing.

And what I mean by that is that underneath all the old stories, thoughts, patterns and perceived pain that we invite into our daily lives is…drum roll…The Present Moment.

I know, I know. That’s the thing that we spiritual seekers are told is the Mecca of our journey. It’s the holy grail. It’s the pot of gold at the end of a freaky fucking rainbow.

Well, let me tell you, first hand, at least initially it’s not all that it’s cracked up to be. Because when you’ve torn everything down, torched it all, there is a huge wide open space. Bigger than you can imagine. That’s great, right?

Well, sort of.

Because when you no longer have the option to use old stories as your identity, that means you can no longer can use the old stories as an excuse not to be your truest self. The past now is no longer relevant. And if you are calling yourself out on your shit and letting go of bad habits, that means you no longer can call up your bad habits to go for a round or two. Which means you can throw distractions out the window, so you have to be…your truest self. And if you are embracing total trust and faith (as I have, completely), that means all fear naturally drops away. Gone. Which means that when you think about the future, there is really nothing to be afraid of, so you can’t fall back on the debilitating ‘what if’ either.

Which means that you are pretty much right here, right now. Which is not really all it’s cracked up to be. At least not initially, though I sense it can only get better from here.

Because when you’ve spent your entire life (even in some small way) blaming the past (and living there), worrying about the future (and living there), you have never…actually…ever FULLY been here now. At least not for more than a quick visit here and there.

And, now, speaking from personal experience, being here in the moment is a kind of peaceful, normal, basic, everyday experience. Which feels kind of confronting. Because when you are used to the drama and turmoil of always having a problem to solve, a goal to reach, a person to blame, or a worry about the future – and all of that vanishes – you get to inhabit YOURSELF fully, which is the most expansive, mysterious, beautiful, hi-nice-to-meet-you-I’ve-never-fully-known-you places to be.

I know I’m meant to be here. I know this is ‘all I’ve worked for.’ But now I’m feeling naked without my old identity to insulate me. There is no veil, no place to go, nothing to do. Just be.

Which, I suppose is a perfect metaphor for spring…entering the garden with nothing but your own skin, plucking flowers, dipping a toe in the river, finally feeling around for what this whole thing is really about.

It’s a bird, it’s a plane…it’s a jellyfish cloud? Trusting messages that are trying to find you.

It is funny to me that much of my writing discusses synchronicities and spirituality because I grew up extremely cynical and skeptical about these kinds of things. I think this makes for an even more beautiful connection with Life, when you are ready, because it means that what you feel, see, perceive and understand is truly earned. It’s not blind faith, it’s faith after doing the work, experimenting with what you really believe, and being open to what Life has in store for you. I’ve been shown over and over and over, everyday magic that I no longer doubt or question.

I love that.

The beginning of this week was not a highlight for me (or maybe it was, depending on my vantage point). I’m a very sensitive person and I’ve been working through some deep emotional stuff that has had painful elements to it, though there have been gorgeous gifts as well. I am grateful.

But, when you are in the pain, sometimes it’s hard to see the big picture. For me, that’s when FAITH comes in, and a willingness to believe that whatever ails you is teaching you something and making you stronger, even if in the moment it feels like complete agony. I’ve never done a marathon but maybe this is what mile 20 feels like??

I decided to get out of the house and go for a walk. The sun, fresh air and open sky always have a way of shifting the energy and making me remember that, somehow, everything life is manageable – all of it. I asked for a ‘sign’ that I was on the right path or at least headed in the right direction, and I looked up at the sky. This is what I saw:

When I saw this cloud, for some reason, I immediately thought, “There is a huge jellyfish right in the middle of the sky.” I don’t know anything about jellyfish. I’ve never been stung by one and maybe have only ever seen a couple of them in my entire life. Also, while I’m familiar with numerous animal totems, I knew nothing about the symbolism of jellyfish, or even if they even had a meaning.

This is what I learned:

The transparency of the jellyfish teaches the inner source within each of us. We have an enormous amount of power within us to draw upon. We can turn on the light even in the depths of darkness through the wisdom the jellyfish. It often shows up just when you believe there is no hope left. The jellyfish sting symbolizes that even the most vulnerable has the ability to shield and protect itself from outside influences. The jellyfish is an electrifying totem. It offers a spark to energize and illuminate. (from about.com)

And…

Jellyfish’s medicine includes – sensitivity to water energy (emotions), understanding of the value of floating rather than swimming through trying emotional times, proper use of softness (not being rigid), ability to become untangled from the webs of peril in life, acceptance and faith.

These are the only creatures that rely on movement for the sustenance of their lives – they have almost no ability to move on their own, depending oceans currents and the directions of the wind to move it on the way that it must go.

As they move in harmony with the currents of life, they show to us how to flow with the natural forces of Mother Earth. There are some ancient healers who hold the belief that the tapestry of true spiritual knowledge is held within the transparent form of the jellyfish. (by Ina Woolcott, shamanicjourney.com)

Perfect. Thank you.

What’s funny to me is that when I look at the photo now, it doesn’t look very jellyfish-ish to me. But a few days ago, that’s all I could see.

This is huge part of the lesson: you have to trust your instincts at that exact moment. We are changing and evolving every second of our lives, and you need to trust what comes precisely when you are meant to receive it. What comes on Monday may be totally different than what lands on Thursday. It is always shifting, just like the water that moves the jellyfish. And the timing is always perfect, if you stay OPEN.

It’s also important to know that we each have our own ‘messages.’ A jellyfish cloud had huge meaning for me, but would likely be completely meaningless for someone else. It was a symbol for me that exact second in time.

What’s the point?

The point is that there are meanings and messages for ALL of us if we believe and have faith in them. Also, we need to be open to the ways they want to arrive, however quirky, weird or unusual. The ‘medicine’ of the jellyfish totem was perfect for me on that day in that exact moment, likely never to be recreated exactly the same way again.

What’s perfect for you today?

Accepting unexpected gifts exactly as they are

Buddha laughs at me when I make things too complicated...

Wouldn’t be nice if gifts arrived exactly as we expected them, precisely when we knew they were coming, in the perfect package?

Or would it?

Is this why people register for wedding gifts, write out detailed vision boards or ‘hint’ to their significant others the ‘perfect’ engagement ring they’re angling for? We want eight sets of dishes (not six, not ten); we want the Spanish-style house with the succulent garden (not the traditional with roses and lavender); and we want the exact ring that is not so big that we are embarrassed, and not so small that we are, well…embarrassed.

We do this so that we feel some control over the input of our lives. Control = comfort. We want to know exactly what, when and how much is coming in so that we can think we are dictating the flow. It’s got to be neat, orderly and predictable. We have to feel like we are the boss.

I don’t know about you, but for me, it rarely happens this way. And mostly, I am extremely grateful that Life seems to know better than I exactly what I’m meant to receive, how much, how big and when it all arrives at my doorstep.

‘Gifts’ come in sneaky packages, often wrapped in some pain, confusion and the need to expand, grow and adapt beyond what we were really wanting (or expecting) to have to do. You hear about people getting horrible illnesses only – much later – to say it was the best thing that ever happened to them because it put them on a path they would have never travelled otherwise.

But initially, there can be pain, which leads us to think that something is ‘wrong’ or that our package got switched with someone else’s at the post office.

Surely this can’t be for me – not with all this mess attached to it! This is NOT what I ordered!

I think of some friends of mine who have moved across the country or across the world who are struggling with the new adjustments. Moving to a new place can bring immense opportunity, growth and beauty, but initially there is a huge adjustment phase when you are thinking, ‘What on earth have I done, this is not the ‘gift’ I expected it would be.” You are being asked to expand well beyond your comfort zone, something maybe you weren’t thinking about when picking out a new apartment or the perfect scarf to wear down a European street.

Or, what about feelings of immense love that can come up at the most unexpected times? A deep feeling of connection with a teacher, a friend, a lover? I was speaking with a friend today who commented that for some people, opening up to true, deep, pure love (in whatever form – familial, romantic, friendship) is the hardest thing to do. Sometimes it’s too much, so they need to walk away, or at least take a break. I can understand this.

Sometimes the love comes in a way we weren’t expecting or from someone we didn’t see coming, or at a time that seems like the worst possible moment. And then, there it is. It’s a gift in disguise once we work though the muck of it, but we have to be willing to expand to receive. It’s up to us (darn).

Then there is the spiritual awakening, which I’ve discussed in some recent blog posts. Opening up to the divine presence inside of yourself is one of the most ridiculously beautiful, healing, life-altering experiences that leaves you forever changed. With this can be pain, confusion and the desire to run away…far, far away! You get opened up like a butterfly who has gone through a huge metamorphosis, and if we aren’t ready, or if we don’t believe it’s possible, or if we think we don’t deserve to fly that high and know that much LOVE, it will be a bumpy, bumpy ride.

Why? Because we are blocking the flow, even though we don’t realize it. An unexpected, immense gift has arrived and now we don’t know what to do with it. So we leave it on the porch, almost wishing it would go away. Please go away so I can get back to how I was expecting things to happen. We don’t want to invite it in because it’s not what we planned, so we don’t know where to put it or what to do with it. Humans are a funny bunch.

Yes, there are many gifts that come way bigger and quite different than we expected. So what do we do now?

Speaking from personal experience, the best way I know how to deal with this is to be aware of the rollercoaster ride – that huge, crazy-ass expansion going on in your soul – while simultaneously being able to sit quietly on a bench, next to the ride at the amusement park with a nice glass of iced tea (preferably passion fruit, unsweetened), watching the entire thing unfold.

I’ve heard people refer to this a ‘detaching with love’ and I think this is a really sweet, kind and loving way to express it. Because for those of us who feel our emotions on such a deep level (that would be me), the ride can almost kill us if we weren’t prepared, or don’t have a good handle on what’s happening.

Hold on! Know that Life has bigger plans for you than what you’ve written on your registry or vision board. And that the Ultimate Gift – pure LOVE – wants to find you even if it arrives in a package that is initially baffling, challenging or unexpected.

There is a Native American prayer that says: “Give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.”

I think that pretty much sums it up. Though perhaps there should be a footnote that says “Even if it arrives in a different way than you expected.”

Love, Jill