What can I say? How can I even begin? I am tempted to push the words away before I even give them a chance. And then I remember to have faith in them, in this process, in my ability, in some tiny or large way to give a form to something that feels uncontainable. No end to it. I have entered into a realm or space. Or I have entered into the truest space.
I have seen things, more importantly, I’ve experienced them with every cell of my body. Complete Union. LOVE. Knowing the source, becoming the source, receiving the source from another being. I can no longer deny who I am. I just am me, just as any of us are ourselves. Walking the dog, drinking iced tea, having an almost non-stop conversation and dance with the Divine.
How did I get here? If you’ve been here, you don’t need me to explain. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, I was once extraordinarily skeptical, too, but you can get here if that is your choice.
When a presence comes in – Life, God, Nature, an Angel, a beautiful spirit, a soul – and it is part you and you part it/them, you become Whole. There will always be the time before this experience and after. You are never the same again. You open up to All of Life, and become your truest self. It is so gorgeous, fulfilling, tender, painful, profound and healing that even attempting to express it in words is absurd.
It also brings to light the biggest pieces that you are meant to learn. The shadow, the opportunities. For me, that means faith and letting go. I’ve mentioned before that I don’t like to let go. I will hold on until the bitter end. I will be the last one at the party. It will be 4am (in real life I’m often up at this time writing, don’t know why) and everyone else at the party has gone home, and I’m still there, sitting in the dark, *waiting* to see what’s going to happen next. What’s going to happen? I have no idea. But I am always hunting, always turning over the next stone. I sort of expect the next miracle to come…and it always does in one form or another. Thank you.
With this awakening, I am extraordinarily grateful (and shocked) to realize that there is immense peace in me. I no longer feel the need to keep hunting, or create drama, doubt, distractions or struggle around it. I’ve found what I sensed was always there. It only took 36 years to find it (well worth the wait).
An immense portal opened, and then closed. Was it real? I had a brief, intense, un-fucking-believably gorgeous dance with the divine, and that dance, in that space, in that form, is complete. What a gift! It was one act, one take, and now it has folded back into the Universe. I can sit at the party as long as I want, but that dance ain’t coming back. It has left me (or I have left it). I look back and think, did this really even happen? Yet I’m so filled with love, wholeness, curiosity and peace, I know it was here, is here, will always be here, with me, in me. It has set me alive. I am so grateful.
For me personally (because my edge, my fear is the letting go, the trust) the portal closed because I am meant to now finally see, experience and understand All Things As The Dance. Each moment, each step, every flower, all sentences spoken, each mistake, each annoying thing that happens, is a dance with the Divine. Even when it doesn’t come from our Highest Self, it comes from a human part, and the human part is still connected to Life, to source in some way.
When the dance is ‘over’ for me that means I’m being directed (invited) to have faith and actually, finally, come Home. Be in myself. Dance inside. Live a quiet, peaceful, simple, beautiful, heart-breakingly-gorgeous life, whether anyone notices, cares, finds it interesting…or not. I think it is, and that’s all that matters now.
Of course it’s not all peaches and roses all the time. There are moments when I get Spiritual Tourette’s and say: shit, fuck, crap, no, I don’t want to dig this deep. It hurts. I don’t want to do this. I want to go back! I wish I never stepped on that dance floor so I wouldn’t have to deal with this, with opening this wide. With now knowing what I know and being responsible for myself, fully – for my own well being, for deciding whether or not to inhabit myself and keep moving forward, for expanding and growing in a healthy, mature way instead of taking to distractions or drama.
But the portal has closed. The dance is done. I said yes, and now here I am. I need to trust, have faith in myself and the experience. Keep moving forward.
Before this experience I couldn’t ‘see’ myself or fully value myself. Now I do. Now I understand that I contain a piece of the divine, of life, of source (we ALL do!) and so I must have every breath, step, action be an expression of that. Even when I ‘fail’ I at least know what is possible, and how to track back to it. A path has been created…a path I once couldn’t see.
Three stones -
Three stones -
And the light in between.
Three stones -
I’ve been rolled around in petals and crystals and love and pain and returned Home to myself – in the most loving, kind way. And then it was all over. But not over at all, only just beginning. I now have to give it a new form, first and foremost in myself. Let go of what has happened, just be here NOW. I can go to the same beach every day and see where I sunk my heels even a few days ago, but those footprints are not there. They are there, but not – you know what I mean.
Which leads me to faith. I am now letting go, and am shocked to see that I’m not clenching to the Dance with all my might (a first in my entire life). I enter into this soft, pinky white light that asks me to be brave and trust what I know is true, though I cannot *see* it or even express it in words. I ‘know’ that I have a heart and lungs that keep this human body alive, but I’ve never seen them, I’ve never touched them. But they are right there in my chest, never not with me, bringing life inside, sending it back out, to places and people who need it.
Rumi says: “I am so close, I may look distant. So completely mixed with you, I may look separate. So out in the open, I appear hidden. So silent, because I am constantly talking with you.”
That is god, the angels, life, your twin flame speaking. Your higher self speaking to you. It is so beautiful to embody this experience, and these days I find myself filled with many tears. They aren’t expressing sadness, perhaps just an overflow of emotion. I am no longer looking for the footprints on the beach, I am the entire ocean itself (we all are).
There is a crossing over here…you can’t go back. And that’s the leap of faith. You are walking into the void with a sense of wonder, curiosity and some pain too. Because you’ve been cracked open. And it hurts like hell to open like that. Only a few brave souls will ever say Yes to this experience and ALL that it entails.
A willingness to go all the way, to enter the darkest places and paint them, stroke by painful and beautiful stroke…with with Light.
in love, Jill