Garden Communion…and looking ahead

Writers (and red-headed Leos) often have one last thing to say, so even though I thought my previous post would be the last one of the year, I guess have one more in me, so here goes.

I’ve been struggling with something that has been bugging me for some time. What is it?

Basically, I’ve felt really lost as to the ultimate purpose for my writing. We live in a society that is very goal oriented. We like to map things out, have something to work towards, and we especially like to place success as something outside of ourselves. I’ve struggled with this. Because the truth is that I’m simply not motivated by money or the idea of fame. This might sound hard to believe, or bizarre, or ridiculous, but it’s true. Would I like my picture on the cover of the LA Times, or for my book to sell tons of copies. Of course! Who wouldn’t? But, ultimately, that’s not why I do what I do.

These thoughts have been spinning around in my head as I continue to (somewhat) promote my first book of poems, as well as put the finishing touches on my second poetry collection (which includes some 90 new verses), and put the final edits on the first draft of a novel I began a few years ago.

If I’m not really motivated by money or fame, then why on earth am I bothering to go to all the effort to put all this out there? Why spend the time writing, editing and publishing these projects if traditional modes of success don’t match what’s truly important to me?

I had a moment of clarity early this afternoon after spending much of today and yesterday in the garden. I should back track to say that as much as I adore being in the garden, I’ve sort of neglected my own yard for the past few months. Why? If the garden is such a source of peace, joy and inspiration for me, why on earth would I deny myself such pleasure?

I think that I’ve been so preoccupied with anticipating and projecting what ‘all of this means’ in terms of how to define ‘success’ that I’ve been missing the thing that has literally been staring at me the entire time. What is it?

It’s the understanding that none of it really matters unless you have something in your life that you love doing.

The hours I spent in the garden were so blissful that I totally forgot about anything else. A true communion occurs when I’m with the plants, a connection to something ancient, and to something so much greater than myself. I wasn’t worrying if I should send my book to another magazine editor, or how many hits my blog gets. It was just me – anonymously – in the garden. Hair messy, clothes completely covered in dirt, and completely happy. No amount of money or outward recognition can take the place of that.

At its core, I also feel this way about writing. And the true reason why I share my writing, besides the fact that I love doing it, is the hope that somehow something I’ve written can positively touch someone else. It sounds idealistic and simple, but it’s true.

So, in reflecting on this year, what I’m really thinking about most, is connecting with my two passions, gardening and writing, just for the pure pleasure they evoke inside of me. Not for a blog post, not for a Facebook photo, not for the current or next book that may or may not ever ‘hit it big.’ Just for me.

And my wish and hope for anyone reading this is that regardless of outward success, you find and do whatever it is that brings you true joy, which usually happens anonymously, when no one else is looking. It’s the swimmer in the water, it’s the painter with his brushes, it’s the dancer putting on her well-worn shoes and it’s the baker gathering her wares.

I don’t know how all of this will translate in 2012, but I am so grateful have spent some precious hours in the sun and in the soil, remembering what is truly important. I’ll be using that as a guide as the new year brings unknown blessings, and opportunities; things I may miss if I’m too busy looking in the wrong place.

Garden Goodbye to 2011

This has been an amazing year in more ways than one, and I am extremely grateful. To wake up every day to my health, loving family, good food and nice home, feels like I’m surrounded by infinite riches. To have the motivation and freedom to work on my writing, poetry, blog, garden, art, photography and other creative projects is a gift beyond measure.

2011 has taught me a lot. More than anything, I’m keenly aware of just how temporal everything is, and I mean everything: health, relationships, material things. You may have 50 more years to live, or you may have five days – life lessons I’m reflecting on as I think of my spritely 90-year-old friend Martha, as well as another friend’s young father who died this fall, five days after going into the hospital for some tests.

As we enter 2012, I’m thinking of all I want to accomplish, which means letting go of a lot of things, in particular unnecessary fears and distractions. I’m going to take more of an “I’ve got nothing to lose attitude” in the coming months. I also am looking forward to being totally surprised by how something turns out, instead of needing things to look a certain way. When I was up in the forest this past spring, I got a very strong message: “Do 50% less in your life, and you’ll be 200% happier.” This makes a lot of sense, and I’ve been working on quality over quantity in all areas of my life.

Since I am happiest amongst the plants, here is my last garden photo of the year – seated beside my just-pruned roses (the last blooms are pinned in my hair). I suppose the garden and I are both ready to leave the old behind in favor of all that is to grow and blossom in the New Year.

Wishing you much love and magic in 2012!

channeling my inner Ganna Walska or Frida Kahlo...or just being me.

Versatile Blogger Award! (many thanks)

I received a most unusual and unexpected gift on Christmas Eve: A Versatile Blogger Award!

Thank you so much to http://adalamar.wordpress.com/ for nominating me. It is very gratifying to know that somehow my writing has touched other people, many of whom I’ve never met. I’m new to blogging, but with 85 posts (and counting) in just four months, I guess I’ve had a lot to say. Thanks for reading.

The rules for the Versatile Blogger Award are:
1. Nominate 15 fellow bloggers.
2. Inform the bloggers of their nomination.
3. Share 7 random facts about yourself.
4. Thank the blogger who nominated you.
5. Add the Versatile Blogger Award picture on your blog post.

Here are 7 random facts about myself:

1. I’ve loved writing since I was a kid and attempted my first novel at age 10.
2. I’m a Leo but I’m highly allergic to cats.
3. My favorite gift (besides a good book or fresh flowers) is a home cooked meal.
4. I see nothing wrong with starting the day with kale juice and ending it with a vanilla cupcake.
5. I’ve travelled to Italy 3 times, and spent my last semester in college living in Siena.
6. I consider myself to be a spiritual and connected person but my favorite movie is Napoleon Dynamite.
7. I never consciously sit down to write a poem – they come to me involuntarily at 3am, while at the park with my son, or driving on the freeway (yes I pull over to write them down). I have to keep notepads next to my bed, stashed in my car, and in my purse and yoga bag because I never know when one will ‘land.’

I’m sorry I don’t have 15 blogs to nominate, but I’d like to pass the honor to the following writers:

1. http://lifeintheblueridges.wordpress.com/
2. http://veederranch.com/
3. http://worldinoureyes.posterous.com/
4. http://renaissancemamas.blogspot.com/

Thanks again and happy writing.
Jill Lurie
The Naked Turtle

In Praise of Staycations

I have absolutely no plans to travel anywhere for the next nine days, and I couldn’t be happier. My husband and son are off work and school and we are looking forward to doing a whole lot of nothing.

Under the right circumstances, staying home for the holidays is the best gift ever. For starters, because I have a rich fantasy life, I’ll be pretending that my 900-square foot house is actually a bungalow at the Parker Palm Springs. The mood around here changes instantly!

I’ve been to the Parker a couple of times (standard room) – what do I like to do there? Eat good food, lie in a hammock, exercise, get a massage, spend some time in the garden and maybe go for a bike ride or two. I’m going to do my own version of all these things right here at home.

Last night we started off our staycation with a yummy and healthy meal. I made homemade miso vegetable soup (added chicken for the boys) and fresh greens juice of kale, celery and apple. I love juicing, but during the week I dread having another thing to clean, and the juicer has no less than seven parts. Since I’m on vacation I’ll be juicing as much as I want, thank you very much. I’m excited to dirty the blender making as many smoothies as I like, as well. There are also a handful of new recipes I’ve been wanting to try. With no need to get up or go to bed early for work or school I feel like our time is free and open, and I’m not concerned about a few extra dishes to clean.

Other things I might do include getting a massage from a friend and finally fixing the flat tire on my beach cruiser. And since my son is obsessed with his new birthday Pokémon cards (so is my husband), that gives me two to three hour blocks of time to do whatever I want while they are playing. I’m thinking yoga classes, reading the stack of books next to my bed, and putting the last touches on my second book of poems which is about 98% finished.

Of course I can’t wait to spend some quality time with my guys as well. Besides family meals, we’ll go down to Venice Beach to see the lights twinkling on the canals, take our dogs for daily walks and maybe do a few trips to parks, kids’ museums and friends houses around the city. Since we aren’t travelling, and will be eating most of our meals at home, we do like to indulge in a daily coffee at some of the great café’s here in LA. Yes it’s overpriced, but it’s a small luxury – and a far cry from what our bill at the Parker would be!

Wherever you are, whatever you are doing, I hope you feel surrounded by love, and get to do at least a couple things that bring you joy this holiday.

Last of the Roses

Garden Mary keeps watch over everything

I think for many of us this time of year is simultaneously celebratory and reflective. There is so much to be grateful for with the holidays. And with the year coming to a close, there’s also a chance to look at all that has been, and all that we won’t be bringing with us into 2012.

Nowhere is this metaphor so prevalent right now than in the garden, as I look at the last of the roses putting on their final display, before they are hacked down to mere sticks in the next week or so. Gardeners know that the health and livelihood of roses depends on an annual pruning, which typically takes place at the very end or beginning of the calendar year.

I always feel a little antsy before this ritual. It’s hard for me to look at a perfectly happy and thriving plant and know that it’s time to cut it down to next to nothing. I sort of wish the plant would do this to itself, the way deciduous trees drop their leaves on their own accord. If they look naked and dead, it’s from their own hand, so to speak.

But not the roses. They need us to do this for them.

And I suppose this process, though natural and necessary, always sparks a tinge of both melancholy and optimism in me because it’s a reminder that we must also do this for ourselves. No one can come in and clear out the old for us, we have to be willing to give ourselves that gift, however uncomfortable.

Of course, the other side of this pruning is new growth and new experiences. More flowers will come, more bees, more hummingbirds. There is an entire new season of color and beauty in those plants…and in ourselves.

For now I’m just enjoying the last bursts of color – tiny little fireworks in my sweet little garden.

Beard as Art – First Annual Silver Lake Beard and Mustache Competition

When the going gets tough, I say go to a beard contest. At least that’s what I did last night when I attended the First Annual Silver Lake Beard and Mustache Competition held at the Silver Lake Library. After all, there’s nothing like a room full of coiffed facial hair to lighten your mood and make you smile.

Far from being a mass of motorcycle and trucker guys (not that there’s anything wrong with that), this contest was, if I dare say, quite civilized. The men in attendance were some of the best groomed and well-dressed specimens I’ve seen in a while, and the event was a rare glimpse into what I now understand to be a full-blown beard culture. Though there was an air of competition, overall the room was filled with a sense of camaraderie, and the audience enjoyed marveling at the wide array of facial hair styles, shapes and colors (not to mention the well-planned outfits to boot).

There were many categories – mustache, scholarly, full beard, freestyle and Santa Claus – and since we are so progressive here in LA, there was even a women’s category (yes, fake) and a chance for kids to strut their stuff, too. I personally was there in support of my friend Brad, who has an impressive 2-year-old beard. Brad has been nice enough to put up with my photography experiments this year (see below) so I felt the least I could do was show up to support him and his beard.

Los Angeles is host to many fun and unexpected events, and the Silver Lake Beard and Mustache Competition was yet another unique way to experience our great city, and the creative and artistic people who live here. Can a beard be art?…absolutely!

Here are a few photos from the event. I was only able to capture a small sample of who was there. Not to worry, they’ll be doing it again next year.

I'm so sorry I caught this adorable and good-humored woman's picture with her eyes closed. I hope I alwas have her sense of fun.

Gifts of True Friendship

It has been an interesting few months, and past few days as I’ve watched what I thought was a certain type of friendship reveal itself in unexpected ways. Since I like to talk things out, and get to the heart of what’s going on, I’ve tried in vain to have conversations to get clarity and direction. But I realize now that not everyone likes to operate in this way. Not everyone wants to be called out on what they are doing, or talk openly about how things have shifted, or discuss if there is anything left to hold on to.

I’ve had a heavy heart the past few days, and it has been amazing to see the love that has risen up around me. Maybe it has always been there, and I was too preoccupied with my recent sadness and disappointment to see it. Or maybe people can sense when you need a little extra TLC, and offer it up, even if they don’t know the particulars of what’s going on in your life.

My son has repeatedly put my hand on his chest, telling me that his heart is ‘putting his love into me’ – he’s never done that before in his life. Old friends are calling out of the woodwork just to say hello. My family and I have been invited to amazing meals and have been lavished with my favorite gift: home cooked food. And just this morning as I walked my dogs down the hill, a friend who visits about once a year unexpectedly drove up my street, and handed me a gift wrapped in bee paper and a sparkly golden bow.

I don’t know why people do what they do. I don’t know why things shift. But they do. Relationships change whether you like it or not, sometimes with little or no explanation. I think the nicest gift you can give yourself is letting someone move on when they need to, even if it doesn’t make sense, and even if they are unwilling to speak directly about it. Some wells dry up and were never meant to have water forever.

I am extremely grateful for the love around me, in sweet and unexpected ways; for old friends who’ve showed up over the years and been willing to have difficult head-on conversations, even when it’s uncomfortable for both of us; and for the reminder to give a little extra TLC to someone else, when they need it, too.

Little Winter Garden

The winter solstice is nearly here, which means that we are in the last few days of darkness before we begin to see more light after the first day of winter on December 22nd. I’m feeling this in more ways than one, and am quite excited to see what the new year brings; a fresh start, new beginnings and the shedding of old coats we no longer need.

Even in the cold darkness, the garden continues to thrive, and reminds me that there is always something good to look forward to. Here are a few photos of what’s growing in my little backyard (everything you see is in a raised bed or pot): colorful living gems that are a delight to watch, and of course, to eat.

From my garden to yours…

Grapefruit

Parsley

Red Chard

Broccoli

Lemons

Borage

Peppers

Eggplant

Pineapple Sage

Blood Orange

The less glamorous side of parenting (things most people won’t tell you)

Being a parent is not for the faint of heart, at all. Not even a little bit.

It’s a constant flip flop of your emotions, patience and energy. One day when the house is clean, and your kid remembers to say please and thank you and together you’ve cooked the perfect dinner, you’ll think: “This is so easy, I’ve got it all figured out, how could anyone complain about the challenges of having kids, what’s wrong with them?” Flash forward 24 hours and your kitchen is infested with ants, nobody is listening to you, and you are wondering if you can start the bedtime routine at 3pm. Answer: yes you can.

even the dog doesn't listen

They will test, push, frustrate and challenge you over and over and over again. They will put hair on your bare chest. They will not let up. They will break you.

Polite people don’t tell you this when you are contemplating having kids, or are already pregnant. They will tell you parenthood has its ‘ups and downs’ only to clarify, after the kid is already here, that children drive you insane like nothing else can.

It’s not about love. I love my son unlike any other human being on this planet. He grew in my body, has made my life infinitely better, and without a moment’s hesitation, I would give my life for his. Not even a question.

But that jaw-dropping ocean of love that you feel for your kid does not always smooth over the day to day absurdity that comes with being a parent. Being a mom or dad is the only thing you cannot walk away from (though, sadly, some people do). You can move to a new city, change jobs, remarry, and even have surgery to change your gender, but you can never ever go back to not being a parent. It just isn’t possible.

just like building something, parenting is a daily, long-term effort

Which means that for a good two decades (but really their entire life – or yours for that matter), you are pretty much wrapped up into every detail of their business (at least in the early stages). There are no breaks. None. Because even when they are at school for a few hours, you have to check your phone to make sure you don’t get the call that something has happened (no joke – the one and only time I turned off my phone when my son was at school, I missed the call that he needed to go to the ER for stitches).

Newborns eat every two hours (around the clock for the first 6 months), poop constantly and don’t sleep. Toddlers have to be watched every second so they don’t fall and kill themselves. Six year old boys have an entirely new set of requirements like dealing with them not sitting still and paying attention in elementary school (you mean this isn’t a running around free-for-all like preschool?).

You’re making breakfast, boxed lunches and getting them dressed at 7am; doing homework and a million other things at 3pm; and dishes, laundry and school paperwork at 10pm. In between you are also actually trying to have a life, and a marriage, and friendships, and volunteer, and an exercise routine, and healthy eating, oh, and pursue your passions and life purpose as well.

You are responsible for everything. Their health, education, happiness, physical and emotional development, socialization, playdate schedule, manners, dietary needs, creativity and overall well being. Everything. You don’t get weekends off, you don’t get nights off. Or mornings. When they are up sick at 3am five nights in a row, you don’t get to tell them to figure it out on their own. You don’t get to decide, “I don’t feel like being a parent this weekend, so I’m going to sleep in, ignore this little person in my house and do what I feel like doing.” Being a parent means that much of your time is spent doing what you don’t necessarily want to be doing. But you do it anyway, because you love them, and because it’s just part of the job.

And there’s a lot at stake – you are, after all, raising a human being with feelings and an emotional memory. Unlike other jobs (of which I’ve had many), it’s not the end of the world if there is a typo in meeting minutes, or if a plant in your landscape design dies, or if you are late. Those things may get you in trouble, but they are easily fixable and aren’t potentially fucking up the fragile, developing psyche of a child. Except for the rare occasion when we all lose our patience, on a day to day basis, you have to be calm, consistent, and clear all the time. You have to hold your ground when they melt down in the middle of a store and you have to stay patient when it takes them weeks, months or even years to grasp a concept that seems totally obvious and basic.

Having kids pushes you to your greatest limits and shows you what you are really made of. And even when my son is driving me crazy beyond belief (not listening for the 47th time that day), he gives me the opportunity to remember to enjoy things in the moment, because that’s all you’ve got. The love you have for your kid inspires compassion (and even humor, when possible) for the things that ‘need improvement.’ Children gift us with innocence, kindness and genuine love like no other.

We all find our way and we all work it out…eventually (at least I hope so!).

My son turns 7 next week and in spite of all the challenges that are inherent in the ‘job’ of being a parent, I love him more than I could ever say. I’m sure most people reading this would agree. We all love our kids like crazy, but it’s the job of raising them that makes us (sometimes) feel just a little bit crazy.

Happy holidays and happy parenting.

a slightly lop-sided family is still a happy family

LOVE

It’s funny how you can take something for granted, like an understanding of something as vast and bold as LOVE, and in one moment, have it revealed to you in a completely new way.

This is what happened to me a couple of weeks ago, when I was sitting at home, sunlight streaming through the window, creating a prism effect on my wall.

I finally understood that at its core, more than anything else: love is an energy.

It’s not an expression. It’s not a feeling. It’s not a description. In its purest form, it is a source of power, strength and connection that moves from one being to another. It’s what binds two people together, regardless of being male or female, friends or lovers. It’s the energy of the sun that fosters life on this planet. It’s what makes bees continue to forage flowers, even when their hives are already full of honey. It’s what makes something taste delicious, beyond the sum of its ingredients. It’s what allows your heart to know something before your mind understands.

I’m thinking of this now more than ever, as people are running around, feeling obligated to spend money on material things as a means to show love. More than anything else, when you tell someone you love them, on a true soul level, and you really mean it, that is the most powerful, generous, healing, ancient gift you can ever give – or receive.